I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
