last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
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