im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
