I can text with my tongue
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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