you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
