yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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