I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
