One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
