I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
