At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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