My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize