He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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