I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
