fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
