i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
