I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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