I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
