I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
