you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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