paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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