You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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