Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
