My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
