Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
