Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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