Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
