i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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