Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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