I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
