When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Randomize
