so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
