You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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