Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
