are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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