I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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