I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
