I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
tell me about the eggs
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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