so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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