I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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