my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
