Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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