you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
