a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
