I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
