Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
