I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
