Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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