# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
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