Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
