he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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