I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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