Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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