I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
