Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Why are your pants in the freezer?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
