i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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