My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
