Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
