she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
