I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
