i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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