I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
